Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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