fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Randomize
