we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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