i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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