Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
