My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
it's great music for shaving your balls
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
