Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
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