Swine flu. Run for my life!
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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