I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
