dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
