I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
