forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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