the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I woke up under a house in Key West
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