no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
