omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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