What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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