:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Randomize
