If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
