You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
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At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
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Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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