it wasn't lemon gatorade
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
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