Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
