he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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