i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
