I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
