***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
