Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
