Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
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