I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
