Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
