So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
