If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I wish i was in the wii world.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
