booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
