I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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