I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
