i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I just blew my weed a kiss
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
