yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
