when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Randomize
