I met the friendliest cop last night
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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