she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
