I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
