dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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