Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
