Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
