ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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