im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
