when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
