I wish my penis had an off switch
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon