What did we do last night that was yellow?
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
i think i scared a bird with my dick
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.