God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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