He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Randomize
