If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
two words...techno handjob
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
