if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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