We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
