I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
im six kinds of drunk right now
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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