my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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