I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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