I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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