i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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