yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
