haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
