she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
