Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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