So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
