I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
